You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize