I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
