By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
