I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
