I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
