apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
There's always time for handjobs
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
