can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize