They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
