shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Randomize
