im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
