I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
