Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
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