I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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