he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
