i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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