Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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