Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
People in love make me want to vomit
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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