On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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