best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
sarcasm needs its own font
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
