Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Randomize
