Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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