listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I party with great urgency now.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
