His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
