My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
