I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
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