I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
