afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
