I cannot find my penis.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
