if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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