I can text with my tongue
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
