If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
