I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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