Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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