when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize
