There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
