I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
