A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
