just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
