Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I puked a lego.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
