Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
