Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
