just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
