I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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