Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
