fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
