last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
