i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
