mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
