Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
