my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
this is an emotional support booty call
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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