Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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