I wish I could teleport
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Randomize
