did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Randomize
