So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
