K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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