I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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