thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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