Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
she told me i tasted like america
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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