Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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